Image by Dude Crush via FlickrThere are moments here lately when I feel so empty, so broken beyond repair. I feel like I just don't have it in me. To write, to believe, to live. I am exhausted, I am tired, I am sick of trying. I am empty. Between these moments there is joy, but at any given moment the emptiness sets in again and I am right back at where I started.
It is easier to pretend then to deal with what is going on. I put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. I hold back the tears and literally push myself forward.
I can barely move, every stroke of the keys takes so much effort, so much out of me. I can barely breathe, every word I utter leaves me gasping for air, every thought leaves me exhausted. Am I really this broken? Am I really this damaged? With so much around me, am I really this empty?
I just don't have it in me to fight, to stand my ground. The only word for my condition is despair. Despair about my life, my future, my hopes and my dreams. How did I get here Lord? Where have you gone?
Even "Christians" have moments of despair. More often then they would like to admit. Moments of doubt, disbelief. Moments of complete dismay. Moments where they just fight to breathe. The only difference is Who they turn to in their moments of despair. I have nights where I literally fall asleep talking to God. Exhausted from the day, I talk to Him through the night. He is the only one who gives me the comfort I am longing for, the peace that I need to make it through another day.
When you are in despair, it is only God who can give you the strength to stand up again. Only He can fill the void.
2 Corinthians 4:8, 18 (NIV)- 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.