2 Corinthians 12:9-10

New International Version (NIV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Return to Sanity

PANIC DisorderImage by prudencebrown121 via FlickrI have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately.  It isn't even one thing in particular.  Just a whole lot of things that I seem to have no control over.  It's more like a panic disorder.  For the past month, out of the blue the will come. They are overwhelming and unpredictable and seem to come on for no reason at all. Things start closing in and I feel like I am losing my mind.  Trying hard for people not to notice, I will get up to walk around or leave the room.  Its that horrible feeling that things aren't going to be ok.  What scares me the most is what if it doesn't go away, what if I stay like this forever.  I don't want to go crazy.  I want it to stop.

I have been trying different things in an attempt to get my sanity back.  Exercise didn't seem to do to much.  I know this may sound  crazy but I started doing these infrared sauna sessions.  They are supposed to help detox the body and I fell amazing after a session. (I will post about it on my health nut junkie blog).

This weeks session helped me more then I could ever imagine.  For one I am claustrophobic.  So my idea of fun is not sitting in a box for half an hour.  Luckily there is a glass door.  So to keep myself from panicking I will do some meditation but mainly just talking to God.  For that entire time He has my undivided attention.  I went through all of the things that I had been dealing with one by one.  Realizing that there was a resolution to my problems.  Finally my moment of clarity. My moment when my worries seemed to melt away.  I could have stayed in that box for hours. My revelation, my return to sanity. 

Needless to say I haven't had a panic attack since and I would usually get quite a few a day.  I feel sane again

God has a way of pulling us back when we reach the edge.  He gets us at our weakest, because only then are we able to listen.  I wasn't willing to let go of things which was the root of my problem.  But I am working on it.  Sometimes we have to get everything out in the open in order to find a resolution and I finally did that with God.  I am a work in progress and still have little fall backs.  But I am only human and I just make sure that I tell God not to let me go no matter what.

So why do I share such a personal and private part of my life with the world?  Because God loves me and He loves you.  When I am at my worst He is there, so don't ever think that He wouldn't do the same for you.

Isaiah 43:1-4(NIV) 1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush[a] and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.
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Thursday, July 21, 2011


out of body experienceImage by Frabuleuse via Flickr I've been quite confused about a lot of things lately.  It is almost surreal, like an out of body experience.  Not sure if I am coming or going.  Almost as if I am just in limbo.  I hate this feeling. Aren't we supposed to progress in life, not just stay in the same place for a long time?  But maybe I am judging my progress by my own standards.  Maybe there are lessons that I need to learn before I can move forward.  Maybe my stubbornness is holding me back,  and I am just too stubborn to see it.

I am a very strong willed person.  I was born that way.  Even through being strong willed I believe is a good trait, it is also lead to ones own destruction.  Not being able to let go and let Someone else take the wheel.  Wanting to do things my way and getting confused when there is no progress. Wondering what am I doing wrong?

The problem is I think that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  Thinking now that I've got it all wrong.  Maybe I am doing all the right things but just for the wrong reasons.  That just makes it all pointless.

God wants me to trust Him.  He wants me to feel secure in knowing that He is in charge of my future.  He doesn't want me to be confused.  He wants me to succeed.  I just have to let Him lead.

Philippians 4:8-9

New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

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Monday, July 18, 2011

One Mistake Away

MistakesImage by mr.bmonroe via Flickr
Have you felt like God must really be at the end of His rope with me?  Like if you keep messing up, eventually He will wipe His hands of you.  Like you are just one mistake away from being eternally alone. Like you don't deserve His forgiveness.

The truth is we don't.  We don't deserve Him.  We don't deserve His forgiveness over and over and over again for things that we know are wrong and still do.  We don't deserve for Him to still be there when we didn't listen and went the other way.  When we abandon Him, we don't deserve to come back. We don't deserve to be greeted with open arms. But that's just it, we don't deserve Him, but He is there anyway.

I keep wondering why God is still around.  I don't deserve Him, yet there He is.  A love that I cannot fathom, a love that I cannot understand.  He sees me, not what I have done.  He sees the real me.  The one that struggles to take a breath.  The part of me that no one sees.  The one who tries to do the right thing and yet it backfires.  The one whose words get misunderstood.  He knows what is in my heart.  He knows how much I love Him.

He overlooks my mistakes, and see straight through to my heart.  I will never be one mistake away from Him leaving me. He loves me that much. "From one scared hand to the other."

Romans 6:23
New International Version (NIV)
23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[a] Christ Jesus our Lord.

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Only Looking to You

Last week the family and I went to Arkansas to a family camp.  My only drawback, no Internet.   No cell phone service either, really out of my comfort zone, being cut off from the world. I literally had to walk out to the edge of a pier to get a signal on my phone. I will admit by the middle of the week,  I didn't care too much about it. 

It's been a long time since we spent family time like that.  We did a lot, horseback riding, rockwall climbing, ziplining, swimming, tubing, canoeing, kayaking.  Best of all worship.  My little one loves to sing worship songs, and the best part about camp is that they have the motions to go with the songs.  Every morning and evening they had worship.  It reminded me when I was little. Our weekly theme song was the best, written by one of the staff. 

It is amazing what God can do when we give Him our undivided attention.  It was truly an experience to remember, to be cut off from the world and have our family time with God.  By the end of the week,  I didn't want to leave.  There was just a peacefulness about this place,  God's presence in the middle of nowhere.

A few lyrics from our theme song, not sure of the title-

"I'm only looking to You,  You changed me and turned me around, cause You're the only place the lost get found"

Monday, July 11, 2011

Casting Burdens

My oldest has been dealing with anxiety lately.  Like mother like son.  He seems to be really fearful of things that he just shouldn't even be worrying about. He worries about the weather, whether a movie will give him bad dreams, and so many other crazy things. He will have a little anxiety attack and tell me his chest hurts and when he breathes it feels like he is not breathing.  I know all to well how that feels.  All I want to do is take it away.  I even pray that God will give me my sons anxiety so that he doesn't have to deal with it, he is just too little to have these kind of problems.  It breaks my heart to see him go through this.  I wish he could cast his burdens on me to carry for him.

Just like how I wish I could carry my sons burdens,  Jesus wants to carry ours, all of ours.  The only difference is that He actually has the power to do it.  If we let Him,  if we ask,  He will take our burdens and carry them for us.  He hates to see us torture ourselves with worry and anxiety.  It breaks His heart to see us suffer. All He wants is for us to ask Him for help.  He can't take them if we don't let Him.  But all we have to do is ask.

It's been a real challenge dealing with an eight year old with anxiety. Even harder that I deal with it so often myself.  I learned that there are a lot of kids out there with the same  problems.  But if we teach them young where to turn in their time of despair maybe it will better prepare them for when they are older.  So they don't turn out like me.  I tell my son that when he feels them coming on, to pray, to take deep breaths and eventually they will subside.  I must say the past week I haven't heard him talk about them as much.

But the best way it to lead by example, so God, take my burdens, I can no longer carry them they are way to heavy and please take my sons too.

Psalm 55:22(NIV) 22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.