That Deep Dark Place

I didn't tell anyone when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer.  I didn't want sympathy or even empathy, I just didn't want to acknowledge it altogether.  As if saying it out loud would make it real.  I was already fighting a raging battle inside of me from all of the fear and grief.  I didn't want people asking me about him, how he was doing.  I didn't want to be reminded or talk about it.  I wanted it to go away, I wanted it to just be a bad dream.  My refusal to acknowledge the situation led me to isolation, depression and despair.  I wasn't willing to let anybody in so therefore I wasn't letting anything out.  I kept it all inside and it took the best of me.  I stayed in that deep dark place.

I spend the next two years of my life like this,  what made it worse it that I had just had my son and because of my hormones and emotional stress I had full blown postpartum depression.  It took all I had just to care for my newborn.  I literally would throw myself out of bed and made myself get up and out.

It was a horrible life to live, not just for me but for this little person that I was responsible for.  I just hope he never remembers.  I don't want to remember me like that. Now it seems like such a long time ago.

But this was all before I knew God.  This was all before I knew about His power.  When we don't let God in, it becomes a long, lonely road.  A deep, dark place, a road filled with grief and despair.  Although God doesn't take away the pain, He gives us the strength to endure it.  He can take us out of that deep, dark place, and show us how to live again.

1 Peter 4:12-13 (NIV)12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.